


She Used To Be Mine

by companionsthroughlife (maggie_1277)



Series: musical-based phan [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, I tried to not make it angsty but you know..., I wrote this because im sad too, Insecure Dan Howell, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:55:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23867896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maggie_1277/pseuds/companionsthroughlife
Summary: Dan woke up that day knowing that this day was going to be bad, like the past few months. All he felt was empty.He got out of bed after an hour of just sitting there, staring at his wall and his phone.He went to the bathroom and just looked at himself. He didn't recognize his own face anymore.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: musical-based phan [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1744288
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	She Used To Be Mine

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off the song "She Used to Be Mine" from Waitress. This is a peak into the mind of someone who might be struggling.

Dan woke up that day knowing that this day was going to be bad, like the past few months. All he felt was empty.

He got out of bed after an hour of just sitting there, staring at his wall and his phone.

He went to the bathroom and just looked at himself. He didn't recognize his own face anymore.

He had let self care slip through his fingers during this time. His hair was long and greasy. His skin has gone unwashed for a month by this point. And he hadn't changed out of the clothes he was wearing in about a week and a half.

Dan was failing at functioning. He couldn't keep going. He looked away from himself.

He felt like his subscribers were banging at his door for content, but he felt like he gave his all to them without getting anything in return from them.

His world wasn't what he was used to anymore. There were no tours to plan, no videos for the gaming channel to film, no scripts for videos to be written, no radio show to planned, no race to prepare for, no coming out to freak out about. Nothing.

He was never the main focus of everyone, but he would want to get back to the point where he is happy to be himself.

And he knows he's imperfect, but he's trying his best and he has to keep reminding himself of this.

He looked back up at himself and tried to tell himself that he was good, but all it felt like was lies. 

He was too hard on himself, every time he tried to write or film, he would just say it wasn't good enough for his subscribers.

He felt like he was broken and hurting but he could never tell Phil how he was feeling, it would not pull him down with him.

He's a mess. A hot mess, but he wants to believe his kind. He feels like he hasn't been kind to his subscribers by shutting them out of his life. But he feels like he has no way to tell them how he feels.

Stuff like this makes him feel like he's empty and alone most of his time now.

He's all of these feelings mixed up and a flaming hot disaster that his boyfriend has to put back together after every depressive episode.

He feels like his life is slipping away from himself, and he has nothing to stop it from doing that. He feels like it's carved out a shell of a man at 28 and makes him think all these things are true about him. How he's a failure and a mess and ruined his life.

He left his bathroom and looked around at his room, he saw the plant that Phil brought home before this mess began and how he grumbled about how he didn't ask for the plant, but now he loves it more than Phil does.

And he has his fans, but they're not exactly what he asked for when he was 18. Every now and again he wonders if he could give it all back to start over, out and in love. Or to never start at all and still be sad, but not have to broadcast it everywhere, but he squishes that thought down almost immediately. He loves youtube and could never truly give it up.

But he thinks back to when he was 18 and falling in love with Phil, and he thinks about never joining youtube. He thinks about how Phil's career would go without Dan being there making content too.

If Dan was his boyfriend they never saw, maybe Phil could be out and share his stories with the world before last year. He could help others without Dan holding him down. Maybe, just maybe Phil would have cut Dan off at like 20, and not still be around his sorry ass now. 

But Dan looks down at his hands and sees the stupid little promises ring Phil gave him during the tour as a joke that Dan doesn't take off unless he would make a video, but now he doesn't do that anymore.

But he would want to stay where he is. Being reckless just enough to meet Phil and fall in love.

Who could get hurt by bullies in school and trolls on the internet, but can toughen up when he gets knocked down and bruised.

And gets "used" by companies who want quick clicks and videos that want to bash him. He can take these people who do not love him as others do.

He looked around his room, reminding him that he is stuck where he is, but not where he once was. He isn't scared here.

But he is sacred. He's scared of the ideas that live inside his brain. The ideas are growing stronger and stronger each day.

But today it finally reminded him to fight a little to bring back the fire in his eyes when he writes and works.

That fire that's been gone for months, that used to be his. He looked back at the bathroom and nodded his head.

He walked out of his room, freshly showered and in new clothes. He sat down in his filming spot.

Oh that fire was back. He smiled looking at himself in the camera, he was actually happy looking at himself. For the first time in a long time, he felt happy looking at himself.

He is messy, but he is trying to be kind again. To everyone, especially his subscribers.

He might be lonely, but he has Phil and everyone that loves him dearly. He sees Phil walk by and Phil smiles at him. He looks proud.

He is all of those things, mixed up in a flaming hot disasters but he can help himself with his boyfriend.

He turns on his camera and takes a big breath in.

"Hello Internet."

Him from months ago might be gone, but it used to be mine, he thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder, mental health isn't always solved in one day. Every day can be a struggle and even if you get out of bed and do something today, you aren't immediately fixed. That's why I left that last line the way it was.


End file.
